Anxiety and God's Grace

I was 20 when a panic attack showed up in the middle of the night and nearly took me out. I was in my senior year of college and felt completely helpless. I couldn't catch my breath, I felt like I was simultaneously going crazy and dying of a heart attack. This episode was the first of many that would send me into an anxious spiral that I didn't think I'd ever get out of.

Surely if I could just muster up enough faith, my anxiety would go away, I believed.

I thought I could white-knuckle my way into freedom.

By God's grace, He wouldn't let me.

Anxiety had always been a familiar friend - I honestly couldn't remember a time in my life where I wasn't fearful of something. Sure, I would go stretches without being anxious, but fear seemed to be my default mode.

I also remember feeling ashamed of my anxiety. In 6th grade (another time when my anxiety was heightened), my teacher gave me the "I want to call my Mommy" award when handing out end of the year superlatives (because I had asked to call my mom 3 times that year due to feeling panicky).

I knew then that my anxiety was something to hide.

I now realize that it was that teacher who should have been ashamed. No adult should ever speak to a child like that. In those moments, I wasn't given what I needed. I wasn't given a safe space to be vulnerable.

Eventually, God led me to counselors, friends, and doctors who would hear my vulnerability and meet it with care and reassurance. I felt in my bones the kindness of God in telling us that the Holy Spirit is our Wonderful Counselor because I saw wonderful counselors mirror His image. I was reminded that I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self control (1 Timothy 1:7). And I was given peace when God brought doctors into my life who offered medication that would help me work through all of the things that got me to this point.

But let me be very honest, I was terrified to start medication (shocking coming from someone who struggles with anxiety, I know). I had wrongly believed that medication and therapy were for "other people". Surely I didn't need that much help, right?

I did, in fact, need that much help.

But what I didn't expect was how much freedom getting help gave me. That blue little pill filled with sertraline was a tangible evidence of God's grace in my life. His goodness poured out through scientists and doctors and therapists who dedicate their lives to helping others.

Since my early 20's, I've learned that it takes many things to manage my anxiety: healthy food choices, exercise, self kindness. And therapy. And medication. And coaching.

These can be tricky topics but I share this because I know what it feels like to get to the end of yourself and not know where to go. I felt like I had so much to be ashamed of, but it was precisely through those experiences that I have been able to offer to others the same gifts that God gave me.

It is now a joy for me to walk alongside women in their own struggles (especially Moms!), not as someone who has it all figured out, but as someone who knows what it's like to feel desperate and hopeless but still experience the goodness of God.