Gentle Obedience

I had an unusual amount of free time this past summer. I was self-employed part time and my other responsibilities followed the school calendar, so I had extreme flexibility in my schedule.

This freedom unsettled me.

Something surprising about myself surfaced during this time of freedom; I am externally motivated. My whole life I’ve thought I was Miss Self-Motivated-Put-Me-On-It-And-It-Will-Get-Done. Turns out I was always very busy and had loads of accountability in place. In the past I had no choice but to be organized and on top of things.

Now, with a world of freedom and only myself to answer to, I floundered. I felt so lost.

This isn’t to say that I totally lack self-discipline or turn into a couch potato. I genuinely struggle with perfectionism, self-criticism, and ensuring a job is done well to receive the ever elusive gold star. But I realized when no one is around during the day to affirm me or give me accolades (and the perfectionist in me sure isn’t going to), then motivation and direction wanes. Layer on top of this that my husband and I were expecting our first child and that summer coincided with my third trimester (hello, fatigue and sweating all day), and you’ve got a great recipe for asking, “How in the world do I know when to rest and when to get stuff done?”

I tried to motivate myself by asking the following questions:

When friends ask how my business is going do I have something impressive to tell them?

When my husband asks how my day was, will he be proud of how I spent it? Or will what I report only add to his feeling of bearing the work/financial burden alone?

When I look at the calendar and realize the countdown to baby is ticking away, will I feel panicked with all the to-do’s and scold myself for not being more prepared?

These questions, though sometimes effective, mostly layered on shame and made me want to escape into Netflix, snacks, and insert-avoidance-mechanism-here. I needed help. Something or someone outside of me to help me unravel the ball of emotions and doubts. To graciously help me establish healthy coping mechanisms. To wash away the shame and invite me into a better way.

I was blessed to have two such women in my life: my business coach and my therapist. They both love Jesus deeply and showed me his love by helping me wade through all the muck that was surfacing in my internal world. They held a safe space for me to be honest with my fears and unsettling realizations that maybe I’m different than I used to be. They challenged me to press in and press towards who God made me to be. To embrace a life that is Spirit-filled and Spirit-led.

These concerned and disoriented parts of me that surfaced when the calendar was empty were not meant to be dismissed or shamed into submission. They were trying to tell me something. Trying to be heard and working overtime out of fear that I would never give them the leadership they needed. When I slowed down and listened to these burdened and fearful parts of myself, I realized that the peace and hope that my soul has in Christ extends to them too.

One day my coach asked me, “What is Jesus inviting you to in this season?”. The phrase that entered my mind was “gentle obedience over perfectionism”. I loved the sound of it, but what did it really mean? A devotional by Henri Nouwen helped me understand: “The word ‘obedience’ comes from the Latin word ob-audire, which means to listen with great attentiveness” (Here and Now). Let me tell you, attentive listening is not how I have ever perceived obedience. Obedience was about right actions not right listening. But how can we do the right thing if we do not first hear the right thing? And how can I hear the right thing if I’m not listening to the right voice in the first place? The devotional helped further: “Prayer is the discipline of the moment. When we pray, we enter into the presence of God whose name is God-with-us. To pray is to listen attentively to the One who addresses us here and now.” I wanted to be attentive to God’s voice in my day-to-day and began processing this in prayer and with my therapist.

A question that came up in therapy was, “What does faithfulness look like today?”

It clicked. These two fit together like puzzle pieces, clarifying each other in my swirling brain: faithfulness is gentle obedience. Obedience is my response to listening attentively to God in prayer. Obedience is all about listening and responding to God’s loving voice; accepting His invitation to a better way. Faithfulness is practicing this daily.

I started praying and asking the Lord, “What does faithfulness look like today? How can I follow you in gentle obedience today?”. Suddenly things became clearer. A peace washed over me that allowed me to do what I needed to with the time, resources, and energy that I had been given for that day. There was a freedom in enjoying restful activities and an empowering clarity in tackling tasks that I didn’t really want to do. Even if the same amount of things were accomplished as before, my mindset and heart posture were different. I no longer felt beholden to impressing others or unintentionally turning my husband into my task master. I didn’t shame myself into being productive. I found delight, confidence, and purpose again.

This is an ongoing lesson. I still have days where old thought patterns and behaviors rule. Yet, as I take even two seconds to slow down and acknowledge what is swirling inside me to the Lord, I receive his peace and loving leadership. I can then extend that truth to my internal and external world.

As we go about our days, whether busy or calm, let us look to the Lord and His strength. Let’s listen to his voice with soft hearts, letting Him guide us in our here and now. Let’s ask Him what faithfulness looks like today. Let’s embrace gentle obedience.

(First published on Magnify Moments, 2023)